A lot of shit goes down in a life. I woke up at 4:30 this morning thinking about that. So much so that I had to get up and write some of it down. I have had three children, and by rights none of those little buggers should be here. The pregnancy test for the first one was negative...but then turned out to be positive, because she's here and wears a size 8 shoe just like her mom. We couldn't wish the second one into being, no matter how hard we tried. I went through fertility tests, more blood draws than I can count, and a bunch of rounds of artificial insemination, all to no avail. I even had a breast biopsy when the mammogram I was required to have for the fertility clinic showed a "mass." I was lucky--the mass turned out to be benign, thought to be calcification from breastfeeding my daughter. Finally, I tried the "ancient Chinese secret" offered by a doctor of Chinese medicine I found, ironically enough, through the fertility clinic. Within two months, I was preggers. There's no scientific explanation for that one. Then, thinking we couldn't have more kids without going through the rounds of fertility testing and treatment again, we lived rather dangerously. One night, I had a feeling...and nine months later, our third baby arrived. I used to think I should have ignored that feeling, but now I know that it was a calling more than anything. I knew I would have the baby, and my soul wanted it even as my logical mind told me all the reasons it wasn't a good idea. Now I know why--that little guy is here to show me how to love. Don't get me wrong--I love all my kids with a passion that is sometimes frightening to both of us--but the relationship a parent has with each child is different. It's just the nature of things. My oldest one fights me tooth and nail at every turn. My middle one doubts my love (or anyone's) on a semi-regular basis and needs constant reassurance. My little guy, though, just loves me. And loves me unconditionally. By receiving the deep and boundless love that he offers on a daily basis, I'm learning how to give it back.
Now that's some shit.