Since moving to the country, I’ve had the chance to reflect
on a great many things. I’ve had as much quiet and solitude as my children will
afford me. This has led to both small and large breakthroughs for me. I’ve
found perhaps the first kind of peace I’ve ever known, as I’ve been able to
really and truly relax with no neighbors for whom I need to perform. One thing
I’ve found, though, is that when stress leaves your body, the adrenaline and
cortisol go with them. This means that you are dog-shit tired a lot of the
time. I’ve also had physical aches and pains, which I think are partly due to
the reduction in stress hormones, but also feeling new pain that I haven’t felt
before.
As I wrote last time, when my parents left, the reality of
our relationship hit me. I realized that these were people who didn’t stand up
for me, and who didn’t support me or even know me in any kind of real way. I
hurt all over for days. I thought it was just the pain of feeling this loss,
but I now realize it was more than that. As a child and as an adult, I’ve
acquired the belief that I’m supposed to be able to handle whatever comes
along.
