Out of Gas

So, I ran out of gas the other day. Something I've done maybe one other time in my life. Although I do let the red line hover dangerously around the "E," and coast into the gas station on nothing but fumes at times, I never ACTUALLY run out of gas. Until the other day. I can't even tell you how it happened. I knew I needed gas, because I have a little light AND even actual words on a little screen on the dashboard that tell me I am LOW ON FUEL. Why I didn't go to the gas station earlier is a mystery even to me. I was just so busy running errands and didn't really think about how many miles I had traveled. I was on my way to pick up #2 son from preschool with #1 son in the back. I was thinking to myself that I needed gas and would get some after the preschool pickup. Right about the, the car starts going, "putt, putt, putt..." and I have just about enough time to pull over to the side of the road before it stops. Damn.


Thankfully, DH was available to do the preschool run, and I was able to convince him to make the call to the preschool so that I didn't have to feel the shame of telling them I could not retrieve my child at the appointed time. All I had to do was call the roadside assistance service and wait. And wait some more. #1 son was a trouper--he was a little worried, but I did my best to reassure him and then we played games until the nice man with the gas can arrived. And eventually we all made it home safely, and I was a grateful mommy for that.


But, as most experiences do, this one got me thinking. There are other times in our lives when we run out of gas in a more figurative sense--we run out of energy, we get sick, two feet of snow fall (as they did this weekend in my hometown), or any number of other events occur that force us to stop what we would normally be doing and pay attention to what is happening right now, in this very moment. Everything else has to be set aside to deal with the current crisis.


Although these events can be frustrating because they keep us from other things we need or want to do, they have value of their own. They are the universe's way of telling us that we NEED to slow down, to take a break. These events are essentially time-outs for adults. It's nature's way of saying, it's ok--sit down and take a breath. Take a nap even. It's what we need even if we don't know it yet. And if I am really, truly paying attention, I'll give myself permission to take a break BEFORE I run out of gas next time. I decided I'd much rather contemplate my life from the safety of my home than from a stalled car on the side of the road. So for me and the other moms out there who feel overwhelmed, let's give ourselves a break. When we feel ourselves becoming harried and overwhelmed, let's take the time to sit down and take a breath. Or take a nap even. It's ok. Really, it is.

Character Counts

"Character counts" was a favorite phrase for adults to use when I was growing up. I didn't understand for a long time what "character" really meant. I think of it now as being honorable, having integrity, and thinking of others when we make decisions about how to behave in life. 


This morning, one of my Facebook friends, a friend from high school, posted this photo:

I don't normally engage in political discussions on the Faceplace, because it's just not productive, for reasons I'll describe below. This photo, though, really got me agitated. As much as I haven't liked certain Presidents, I wouldn't call them the "s" word, as my kids refer to it. I said as much on my friend's FB page. She replied, "Freedom of speech is very powerful!!" Yes, yes it is. When freedom of speech involves character assassination of our nation's leader, it's very powerful and very damaging to the strength of that nation. Lincoln himself said, "A nation divided against itself cannot stand." The problems that we face as a country--education, health care, unemployment, just to name a few--cannot possibly be solved by one political party or another. Creative and innovative solutions, which are clearly required, can only come from thoughtful discussion of these issues that involves people with different points of view.

A new day, a new year, a new beginning. My babies all stayed up to ring in the new year last night--that's the first time we've all made it to midnight together. We spent the night with friends at their home, and put the kids all in one bed. They all fell asleep within a few minutes of each other, and I had the immeasurable joy of watching them all sleep near one another. Their little faces become so soft and gooey in sleep that you feel your everyday worried self take a vacation while watching them. 

Rudolph and the Angels

I've been experiencing what you might call a crisis of faith the last few months. With the approach of Christmas, the elements of this crisis were brought into sharp focus for me. I tried to help my kids understand the importance of giving as we prepared gifts and baked goods for others, bought items for children in need, and cheered them on as they chose some of their own gifts to give this year. They also got to make their own lists, of course, because part of what I wanted this year was for them to have gifts that made them happy. It's been a tough fall with moving and settling into a new neighborhood and new schools. We had hoped to have our basement remodeled by now, but it's not happening as fast as we'd like, so the kids are all still sharing one room. So did I overcompensate for all that by buying more toys than usual? You bet.

The Hawk

Since moving to the country, I’ve had the chance to reflect on a great many things. I’ve had as much quiet and solitude as my children will afford me. This has led to both small and large breakthroughs for me. I’ve found perhaps the first kind of peace I’ve ever known, as I’ve been able to really and truly relax with no neighbors for whom I need to perform. One thing I’ve found, though, is that when stress leaves your body, the adrenaline and cortisol go with them. This means that you are dog-shit tired a lot of the time. I’ve also had physical aches and pains, which I think are partly due to the reduction in stress hormones, but also feeling new pain that I haven’t felt before.

As I wrote last time, when my parents left, the reality of our relationship hit me. I realized that these were people who didn’t stand up for me, and who didn’t support me or even know me in any kind of real way. I hurt all over for days. I thought it was just the pain of feeling this loss, but I now realize it was more than that. As a child and as an adult, I’ve acquired the belief that I’m supposed to be able to handle whatever comes along.

The road less traveled by...unfortunately.

How do you choose the life you're going to live? Were you someone who did what you were told? Who did what was expected of you? Or did you always strike out on your own path, making your own way in life? 


I was one of those first kind of people. I was, according to all accounts, a well-behaved, compliant little girl. I did what I was told, and did what was expected of me. I worried and felt guilty when I didn't. I thought my parents knew best, and could always be depended upon for help and the answers to problems.


Today, I've just said goodbye after a visit with two parents who I thought I loved more than anything and who could do no wrong--who always had my back. Then, something happened--I'll call it the yucky stuff for now. I don't want to write about that now, but something happened that caused me to be profoundly disappointed in these two people--in their conduct and, sadly, in their character. 

Time to Move On

That song by Tom Petty, "Time to Move On" keeps running around my brain. We are moving this week, from a house we love to one we hope we love even more. I can't wait to get there--I feel like I'm finally going home, at the ripe old age of 42.

It's interesting when you tell people you're going to move. We didn't tell anyone in our neighborhood that we were looking for a house. People kind of write you off as soon as you tell them that. They don't mean to, but subconsciously they do it anyway. Eventually, though, we figured we'd better say something before the moving truck showed up, so we told the neighbors. Reactions ranged from sadness to snarkiness to just no response at all. Some neighbors that we've known for 8 years haven't said a word to